Attention all dogs and cats

The following should be posted very low on the refrigerator door... preferably at nose height:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that the least bit aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Believe it or not, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (You can't spell "furniture" without "fur".)
3. I like my pets a lot more than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.